When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
