There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
