Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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