I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
