I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
