broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize