i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
