After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize