I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
