He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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