Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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