I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
