i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
