I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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