i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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