Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize