I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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