she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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