I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
