I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
