I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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