you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
