Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize