we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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