$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
