Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
