apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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