I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she told me i tasted like america
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize