Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
