Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
sarcasm needs its own font
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
