I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
