another moral hangover. fuck.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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