I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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