My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
