Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
