Just fell off a train. Bad.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
