...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
