she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
