I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
