he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
