I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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