just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize