I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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