fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
