Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
