im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
