What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
