I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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