I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
