she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize