I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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