I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
