you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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