this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
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