im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
