I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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