At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
