who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
