Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
