Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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