his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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