Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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