the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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