suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
