As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
