i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
