Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
