I think I won the penis lottery.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
