Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
